Top Ten Signs Baseball May Be On The Decline
Satire
March
8th, 2008
By:
CRS Staff
Fresh
off an offseason that involved more coverage of congressional hearings than talk of free agent signings, MLB's annual rite
of spring has kicked off in various cities around Florida and Arizona. And unless you live in Pittsburgh, Milwaukee,
Tampa Bay, in any AL East town outside Boston & New York, as well as a half-dozen or so other MLB
cities that involve small-market finances or otherwise cheap ownership, this is the time of year when expectations seem
unlimited. As we prepare for a new season, here are some of the major happenings from the first few weeks
of Spring Training that may indicate why America's pastime could be headed for troubled times.
10. Jose Canseco's Facebook page now down to
only three friends.
9. Frustrated by the Red Sox' recent success, Yankees surprise Pirates
ownership with offer to purchase the franchise during a split-squad game.
8. With their differences settled in the offseason, regular
sleepovers resume between A-Rod and Derek Jeter.
7. Barry Bonds asks MLB for clarification on whether HGH usage is
legal until he signs with an actual team.
6. Presumptive GOP Presidential nominee John McCain makes campaign promise to remove
both Osama Bin Laden and Bud Selig from their respective hidden bunkers.
5. Realizing they had forgotten about the Devil Rays, MLB hastily
re-draws 2008 American League schedule.
4. Baseball Hall Of Fame Directors vote unanimously to change
the Cooperstown museum's logo to an asterisk.
3. Kansas City Royals equipment truck actually found to be a
1983 AMC Pacer.
2. Desperate Yankees drop a dozen logo'd inflatable boats into
the waters off the Cuban shoreline.
1. Baseball officials announce new '08 marketing tagline, "Don't Miss A Drip
Of MLB Action - We'll Keep You On Pins & Needles!"
Packers Succeed Despite Unhealthy Worship Of Favre
Satire
January
19th, 2008
By:
CRS Staff
Constantly
reminded on a nearly hourly basis of just how lucky they are to share the same stadium, much less the same field or locker
room as Brett Favre, members of the Green Bay Packers organization have been successful this season in part because of their
ability to stop worshipping him long enough to play well as individuals.
“When
I first got here, no one knew my name”, said second-year RB Ryan Grant. “They
still don’t, mainly because next to Favre I might as well be a fire hydrant lined up in the backfield, but I’ve
been able to raise my level of play to an above-average NFL level.” When
asked about their success, many other Packer players would not go on record about their individual accomplishments, for fear
that Favre might turn the media against them for refusing to adopt a 24/7 focus on the Packers legendary quarterback. Said one player who asked to remain anonymous, “I once told a local TV station
that a TD pass I caught that day from Brett may have been a tad overthrown. A
week later, there were suddenly whispers in the paper that I might be a wife-beater…and I’ve never even been married!”
The
all-Favre, all-the-time mantra of the Packers organization has created issues in the front office as well. In 2005, the team actually missed submitting their first-round draft pick on time when team officials were
preoccupied attending a Brett Favre press conference, in which the first-ballot HOF’er announced that he still didn’t
think he was going to retire. The folly forced panic-stricken GM Ted Thompson
to draft Cal Quarterback Aaron Rodgers with the team’s first pick, a selection that raised eyebrows across Wisconsin. “As long as Brett is alive, a snowboarder from Idaho
may have been a more productive pick”, said long-time season ticket-holder Ron Wilkinson of Sheboygan. “One of Aaron Rodgers’
future kids might have a better chance of becoming the offensive leader of this team than he does.”
