April 23rd, 2007

By: CRS Staff

Citing "irreconcilable differences," the Cleveland Browns NFL franchise and their Fans filed for divorce today.  They had been married for nearly 61 years.

The Browns, taking the high road, were philosophical about the split, which they described as "amicable." “We’ve had some great times together over the past seven decades.  While our relationship may have peaked over 40 years
ago in 1964, the marriage still lasted longer than most do, and we’re going to choose to remember the good times.”   The Browns will retain possession of the couple's large home, built in 1999 and located just north of downtown Cleveland on the shores of Lake Erie.

The Fans were far less diplomatic in describing the rift.  “The bottom line is we never got over the Browns leaving us in 1995 for that gold digger.  Although they sort of came back to us 4 years later, they were never the same.”  The 1995 incident seems to have sparked emotion in the Fans that is still evident today, nearly 12 years later. “Frankly, since 1999, it’s felt a little like being married to the village idiot,” said the Fans.  The last straw was apparently in 2004 when the relationship hit rock-bottom, and the Browns promised one more time in vain that they would change.  “Oh sure, the Browns said all the right things that day – that they’ll be better next year, it’ll be different, blah blah.  Well they only continued to make the same mistakes over and over again.  Guess what Browns, we’re done with you!”

Neighbors described a tempestuous relationship in which the couple would seem madly in love after a few good weeks in a row, only to end up engaged in heated arguments that would last for days.  In one memorable 2001 fight, the Fans angrily threw plastic beer bottles at the Browns, forcing them to temporarily flee the house.  While each year began with new hope and rejuvenated attention, by the end of November, the Fans would rarely be found anywhere near the team most of the time.

One neighbor, who requested anonymity, summed it up best: “I think it’s better this way.  The last thing they want to do is keep breaking up and then getting back together.  God knows that certainly hasn’t worked well for the Raiders.”