Satire

July 31st, 2006

By: CRS Staff

A spokesman for the Cleveland Browns confirmed to CRS today that the team has been forced to file a restraining order against its own overzealous fans.  The move was made after hundreds of Browns fans, already known for their fatalistic outlook after 42 years of championship-less seasons, began displaying erratic and defensive behavior in the aftermath of the devastating season-ending injury to All-Pro Center LeCharles Bentley.

"After the Bentley injury, it was clear our fan base took a turn for the worse", said Browns spokesperson Bill Bonsiewicz.  "The phone lines to all the radio shows started burning up, our web message boards were full, and we even heard reports that at least seven Browns fans had to be talked off the Detroit-Superior Bridge within a three-hour time span."

After the initial surge of rage from the unexpected injury wore off, fans began channeling their frustration and glass half-empty attitude by instead focusing on protecting the remaining Browns players.  During yesterday's evening practice, three Browns fans stormed the field, William Ligue Jr. style, to defend starting RB Rueben Droughns from a sucker punch delivered by undrafted free agent LB Mario Johnson.  Shortly after Johnson delivered the illegal hit on Droughns, two of the three fans grabbed the journeyman LB and wrestled him to the ground, while the other attempted an unnecessary mouth-to-mouth rescucitation on Droughns.  Droughns was not hurt in the incident, but was clearly shaken by the bizarre event.

Similar acts have occured away from the field as well.  Bonsiewicz confirmed the validity of several eyewitness accounts that starting QB Charlie Frye was attempting to purchase gasoline from a Berea-area station when he was accosted by several diehard Browns fans.  While walking into the station to pay for his gas, Frye momentarily headed towards a freshly-mopped section of the floor which had been marked by a large yellow 'Watch Your Step' sign.  One fan threw his body on the floor in front of Frye to prevent him from taking another step forward, while the other wrapped the QB up in a giant bear hug to keep him upright.  It took three store employees to loosen the death grip the fan had on the Browns new franchise QB.

Similar reports have made their way back to the organization, including news that as many as a dozen season ticket holders had begun taking turns standing guard outside the Westlake condo of star-crossed TE Kellen Winslow.  Westlake police were unsure of exactly what physical threat the fans thought they were protecting Winslow from.

"These people have lost their damn mind", mumbled a shaken Droughns after his training camp incident.  "I mean, after my DUI and subsequent wife-beating I'm happy our supporters still like me, but this is a bit ridiculous.  If I wanted the fans to hang on my every move, I'd go play QB for the Packers."