Satire

By CRS Staff

 

On the heels of the Baltimore Ravens on-field implosion versus the Detroit Lions last Sunday, the NFL announced today that Sunday's contest between the Cleveland Browns and Baltimore Ravens will now be played in a field adjacent to the Fredericksburg Correctional Facility in Maryland.  The decision was made to move the game based on concerns that should things not go their way, the Ravens might escalate the level of violence exhibited versus the Lions and begin injuring members of the Browns as well as their own innocent fans.  In the event that occurs, correctional officers from the prison will be on hand to incarcerate members of the team on an as-needed basis.  The prison was selected in part because it has become a frequent offseason destination for members of the Ravens who have run afoul of the law, and in light of recent complaints about the Saints having to play a 'home game' in New York, the league felt it would only be fair to allow the team to play in a location in which 'home-field advantage' could be maintained.

 

"The NFL has a no tolerance policy toward violence, whether between individual players or between players and fans", read a statement released by the league office.  "For example, should Chris McAlister get called for pass interference and begin assaulting fans in the front rows of the stadium in an angry rage, law enforcement officials will be on hand to deliver justice".  A local Baltimore law enforcement officer, speaking on condition of anonymity confided to a CRS source that since as many as 13 Ravens are currently under surveillance for myriad legal issues, playing the game in a maximum security environment is the only way they can ensure the safety of Maryland residents.

 

Members of the Browns were understandably shaken at the idea of playing an NFL football game under such circumstances, but understand the provocation for the decision.  "Two seasons ago I tackled Jamal Lewis after a running play late in the game, and on the way back to the huddle he asked me if I needed to buy any marijuana", said Browns MLB Andra Davis.  "I'm like, dude, you just torched us for 290-some yards and you want to sell me a dimebag?  What's up with that?".

 

Ravens head coach Brian Billick saw nothing wrong with his team's current behavior, mumbling something about treating his team like men before walking out of a press session early.  Internal sources indicated Billick left early to attend a standing weekly meeting he has with Baltimore County law enforcement officials to discuss the current parole status of his starting defense. 

 

Ravens LB Ray Lewis declined comment for this story.  However, sources close to him indicated that should a teammate injure or kill an opposing player or fan on Sunday, Lewis would refuse to testify against that teammate in court, but would commemorate the event by adding a new move to an upcoming sack dance.