Satire

September 11th, 2006

By: CRS Staff

Nearly 24 hours after their disappointing Week 1 loss to the equally putrid New Orleans Saints, the three members of the Cleveland Browns known by each other as the 'Young Guns' remain apparently unaware that the team actually lost 19-14.  Kellen Winslow, Braylon Edwards, and Charlie Frye, so hyped up with intensity, each raised suspicions over whether they understood the reality of the loss during interviews granted Monday at Berea headquarters.  "I told you my 90% would kick everyone's a%#", said a still red-hot Winslow.  "After the stiff-arm I threw on that defender during the touchdown catch, I knew we had this game in hand."  When told by a reporter that the team had actually lost by five points, Winslow indicated he typically blacks out after emotional outbursts and had no memory of the fourth quarter.

Star wideout Braylon Edwards made similar comments.  The Browns franchise WR seemingly spent much of Sunday afternoon in a suspended reality, once making a first-down hand gesture after a five-yard catch, despite the fact the play did not actually result in one.  "I'm back, baby!", said Edwards.  "I can't wait to watch my 18-yard catch on SportsCenter tonight - I'll bet they even lead off the show with it!"  When asked if he felt responsible for the loss after allowing a pass to bounce off his shoulder pad and into the arms of a Saints defender to effectively end the game, Edwards ignored the question and said he looked forward to the flood of expected endorsement deals that he planned to entertain.

Browns QB Charlie Frye, the most even-keeled member of the Browns trio of young offensive weapons, seemed too groggy to know whether the team had won or lost.  "To be honest, I'm still too tired from running away from Saints defenders on every play to tell you what happened."  He then added, "I mean, who am I supposed to be, Michael (bleeping) Vick?" 

On a related note, three Browns fans were treated and released from a local hospital after being injured by an errant helmet toss during Winslow's extended 3rd quarter celebration.  A Browns spokesman said the team regretted the incident.