Cleveland Cavaliers

NBA Announces Cavs/Pistons Series Will Go Full Seven Games Regardless Of Outcome

May 6th, 2006

By: CRS Staff

On the heels of one of the most memorable first rounds in recent NBA memory, the league announced today that regardless of who wins or loses each contest, all seven games of the upcoming Cavs/Pistons second round series will be played anyway. "LeBron's heroics in Games 3 & 5 were the stuff of NBA legend", said NBA commissioner David Stern, who watched Game 6 of the Cavaliers victory over the Washington Wizards from a courtside seat. Stern did not limit his praise of the Cavs to just the superstar swingman. "Coming off the bench to score the game-winning bucket in Game 6, Damon Jones reminded me of that autistic kid from New York hitting those threes in his team's high school game. There's no way we're not getting our money's worth out of this series before the Pistons roll them like a cheap cigarette."

The new broadcast partner of the NBA, ABC, also apparently had a hand in artificially extending the series. Guaranteeing the Cavs/Pistons series for the full seven games was apparently done in compromise after the league refused the network's first request to cancel the remaining playoff format in favor of a 21 game series between LeBron's Cavs and Kobe's L.A. Lakers. In Detroit, preparations were underway to get ready for the first game involving the Pistons that anyone outside of the Motor City has actually cared about since the Bad Boys era in the late 80's to early 90's.

Cavaliers coach Mike Brown was visibly excited over the opportunity to coach his team through seven games against the two-time defending Eastern Conference champions. "Like I've said in about 387 other interviews this season, I'm just happy to have an NBA head coaching job, and consider myself fortunate to sit near LeBron on the team bus", said Brown. "I haven't actually called a single play or made a real coaching move since about Game 14 of the regular season, so to not have to worry about getting severely outcoached yet again is thrilling."

Reaction from the Pistons players was mixed. "It's cool", said Rip Hamilton, the team's star shooting guard. "Let's face it, we're a boring damn team. In most of our blowouts I can't stay awake past the 3rd quarter myself. I mean, Carlos Delfino? Antonio McDyess? I'd rather watch Ben Wallace braid his hair."

New NBA Deputy Commissioner Adam Silver summed up the announcement best; "Just like we say in our hokey commercials featuring NBA players pretending to enjoy charity work while the cameras are around, the NBA cares."

UPDATE: Cavs Not Such A Cheap Date After All

May 18th, 2006

What a difference a week makes. While we at first thought our young Cavaliers would be one-series-and-done, they have now stuck around these playoffs long enough for the national media to figure out how to pronounce 'Varejao' (in case you were curious, the correct pronunciation; "RAH-Sheed-Is-A-Bleeping-Moron"). Through the first five games of Round 2 we've learned several new things about our basketball team:

Maybe Mike Brown is able to coach telepathically without actually having to speak to his players during the game (after all, as 'Sheed proved, talk really is cheap)
Speaking of the coaches, Flip Saunders? Maybe not so much....
Damon Jones and Ira Newble are like the Forrest Gumps' of the NBA - they suddenly show up on the scene in critical times, only you can't figure out how or why they got there
For the next 6 months, every guy in Cleveland will overuse the line "I GuaranSHEED it" every time they tell their buddies something that's obviously a huge lie (Example - "I guaranSHEED you I did not hook up with that fat girl last night!")
One of these associations does not make the least bit of sense: duck - water, cheese - crackers, butter - popcorn, Ben Wallace - free throw line
Detroit sports fans are nearly as bitter and jaded about their teams as Cleveland sports fans, only with multiple recent championships to soften their depression

FINAL UPDATE: Cavs may not be a cheap date, but also not that different from so many Cleveland teams before them either. Pistons win in 7. Ouch.