Satire

By CRS Staff

Long-time Cleveland Browns fan Dwayne Stevens, looking for something to lift his spirits after suffering through yet another miserable Browns opening day loss, decided to stop by a Cleveland-area Shell station on his way home from the game Sunday to purchase an Ohio lottery ticket.  Little did he know the lottery ticket would wind up causing him even more emotional distress than his perenially-rebuilding football team.

For as long as he can remember, Stevens has always played the same lottery numbers - 11, 13, 3, 0, 0, 0.  The first two numbers represent his kids' ages, the third his mother's birth month, and the final three numbers reflect the number of championships the Browns, Indians & Cavaliers have won in his lifetime.  After playing these numbers again on Sunday, he watched in amazement as his lucky numbers became the apparent winning digits in the Sunday night drawing.  "It was like a dream", said Stevens. "I got laid off from the factory several years ago, so money's been tight.  The idea of winning the lottery was beyond my wildest dreams."

Those wild dreams were brought back to reality on Monday morning, upon getting a call from the lottery commission.  Through no fault of his own, apparently a fellow lottery-ticket consumer who purchased a ticket at roughly the same time as Stevens violated commission rules by using an illegal number-selection technique.  Without further explanation or making any apparent connection to Stevens' own ticket purchase, the commission declared the drawing invalid and recalled Stevens' winnings.  Furthermore, the father of two was inexplicably docked 15% from his unemployment check for the following week.  "I can't believe this has happened", said Stevens when reached late Monday morning.  "I go from being a millionaire back to scraping pennies together to pay the rent", adding that the 15% penalty will likely require him to sell his Browns PSL's on eBay to cover his debts.  While the lottery commission would not comment, it is believed the Sunday re-drawing resulted in a three-way tie for the grand prize between two Ravens fans and the only remaining fan of the Florida Marlins.

In an unrelated development, Browns coach Romeo Crennel was arrested by Cleveland police late Sunday for stealing the 'D' from a local Donato's pizza shop sign.