Remainder Of Browns Preseason Canceled As NFL Wants To Focus Greater Attention On Terrell Owens Drama

 

Satire

By CRS Staff

 

NFL officials in New York announced early today that the remainder of the Browns preseason schedule, which was to include games against the Detroit Lions, Carolina Panthers and Chicago Bears, will be canceled to allow for greater focus on the brewing battle between Terrell Owens and the Philadelphia Eagles.  "The recent media circus that has erupted as a result of the T.O. fiasco has made it clear the NFL should encourage further coverage of this unprecedented event", said Greg Aiello, the NFL's VP of Public Relations.  "As a result, the remaining preseason games of teams not expected to contend for the playoffs in 2005 will be canceled, so that more NFL beat reporters can camp out in T.O.'s driveway hoping for a glimpse of him taking out his trash."  The remaining preseason games for the 49ers, Cardinals & Bears were also canceled, and the Redskins were notified their final exhibition matches would be evaluated on a week-by-week basis to determine if they are worthy of being a potential distraction.

 

Early reports had indicated the first quarter of the Browns/Giants preseason game was delayed 1 hour and 19 minutes due to nearby lightning in the area, however, an unidentified NFL source confirmed the real reason for the delay was a rumor that T.O. was about to hold an impromptu news conference while buying gas at a New Jersey 7-Eleven.  The rumor turned out to be inaccurate, and the game was later resumed once the NFL saw the exhibition as no threat to disrupt the far more riveting drama playing out in Philadelphia.

 

Early reaction to the decision has been exactly what the league had hoped for.  Sixty-one new media credential requests were made to the Philadelphia Eagles PR department, and the Associated Press has now decided to purchase homes directly across the street from both Terrell Owens and Eagles Head Coach Andy Reid to better improve their access to these key players in the struggle.  Just days after famed talk show host Rush Limbaugh tried to gain publicity by offering to host both T.O. & McNabb on his radio show, Philly native and ESPN personality Stephen A. Smith passed out on the set of his new afternoon talk show after an intense, 23 minute tirade on the situation which saw the enigmatic host come to blows with two staffers, a set designer, and a family of five sitting in the first row of the audience.  Two members of the family had to be taken to an area hospital, including a 7-year old boy who caught an inadvertent elbow to the face in the melee. 

 

Browns officials refused to comment for this story, citing fears the NFL might cancel their entire season if quotes from any members of the organization took precious newspaper column space away from the T.O. contract situation.  Owens himself has not yet made any public comments, but did ask a local reporter if his biceps were visible enough while the receiver read the newspaper from the roof of his suburban Philadelphia home.

 

CRS staff in Philadelphia & New York contributed to this report.