Anonymous sources have told CRS in recent days that Jane Campbell, possibly the most unpopular Cleveland mayor since the Cuyahoga River became a liquid barbeque, plans to offer mayoral pardons to numerous Cleveland sports villains & goats, just before being run out of City Hall by a band of unruly Browns tailgaters that are expected to storm her office before an upcoming 2005 Browns home game.

Despite her unpopularity, many Cleveland media outlets have reported that even in a city of nearly 500,000 people, there are apparently no qualified individuals interested in attempting to unseat her in this year's upcoming race. As such, hundreds of Browns tailgaters, many of whom are still angry at Campbell for attempting to curb pre-game drinking in the city's Muni Lot, are reportedly planning to take matters into their own hands and will boot Campbell on their own. In retaliation, Campbell has told aides she will conduct the pardons ahead of the expected attack. The list of anticipated pardons includes notorious Cleveland sports figures such as Earnest Byner, Jose Mesa, Art Modell, Shawn Kemp, Butch Davis, David Justice & Albert Belle, among thousands of others. Once pardoned, it is expected that most of these former players and executives will once again be permitted to eat dinner in public Cleveland restaurants, walk down Cleveland-area streets, and even send their kids to NE Ohio public schools without concern of being pelted with batteries and dog biscuits at the whim of still angry and bitter fans. They will also no longer be required to register with their local municipality each time they move.

Reaction to the news by many on the list was positive. "After more than 17 years away from the city, I can't wait to actually eat another Panini sandwich in person", said former Browns RB Earnest Byner, synonymous with The Fumble. "I mean, they still tasted pretty good when my old friends would UPS them to me, but it's just not the same as eating them right off the grill. I can't wait to come back to town!"

Former Indians outfielder David Justice was puzzled to see his name on the list. He was reportedly added for being both a Cleveland sports villain and goat. He hit the winning HR against the Indians in Game 6 of the '95 World Series, then later as an Indian decided to scratch himself from the lineup of a deciding playoff game due to rumored menstrual cramps. Said Justice, "Even though I'm not sure why she's pardoning me, it'll be nice to add Cleveland to the list of cities I can pick up chicks in again. It's close to my Cincinnati home, and the girls there really dig me cuz they wanna hook up with the guy who was married to Halle Berry."

Art Modell was less diplomatic. When reached by telephone his only response was, "I don't remember ever living in Cleveland, and I'm too drugged up on medication to even know who Jane Campbell is." Modell then made a series of baby-like cooing noises before appearing to drop the phone on the floor.

Stay tuned to CRS throughout the year as we receive updates to this developing story.