God Goes Public With His Hatred Of The Browns

 

Satire

December 5th, 2005

By CRS Staff

 

Minutes after the Cleveland Browns suffered yet another setback, this time a second-half collapse against the Jacksonville Jaguars that saw their top pick carted off the field, God Himself issued a statement through his P.R. agency making public his hatred for the Cleveland Browns NFL franchise.   Through the statement, issued by God's New York-based P.R. firm Fleishman Hillard, God announced that he has hated the team for years, and is directly responsible for all of the misery that has plagued the franchise both on and off the field.  Red Right 88, The Drive, The Fumble and The Move were all orchestrated by Him to show his disdain for the franchise.  "It all started around 1980 when my son Jesus became a Steelers fan", said God.  "I had actually penciled in the Browns to become the team of the 80's to follow the Steelers run in the 70's.  But then Jesus convinced me otherwise, and coming up with new ways to have them fail over the years has become somewhat of a sport in itself."  The statement goes on to reveal that others have taken part in the fun, including St. Peter, who is credited for coming up with the idea for The Fumble. 

 

The announcement, long suspected to be true by many longtime Browns fans, came moments after the team's latest failure, a 20-14 loss to the Jaguars that saw the team completely implode after a promising first half, losing top pick Braylon Edwards to injury, and giving up a back-breaking 28-yard scramble on third-and-19 when it looked like the Browns might get one more chance to win the game. 

 

Browns fans seemed relieved to have the bias out in the open.  "Yeah, it's a relief to finally know that it hasn't just been poor drafting, bad coaching, inept players, conservative play calling, and a tendency to choke in crucial situations that has prevented this team from winning a Super Bowl title", said longtime Browns fan Chris Swarlusky of Parma.  "It's nice to know that even if we hadn't had those issues over the years, it really wouldn't have mattered."

 

Despite the admission, God refused to accept blame for the infamous failures of Cleveland's other franchises, MLB's Indians and the NBA's Cavaliers.  "I may be anti-Browns, but it isn't my fault that Lenny Wilkens tried to guard Michael Jordan with Craig Ehlo, or that Jose Mesa practically handed the 9th inning to the Marlins.  Sorry, you'll have to find someone else to blame for those collapses."