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Welcome To The (Choke) Show
August 4th,
2006
By: CRS
Staff
It’s official - Indians
telecasts have now reached horror movie proportions in terms of their unwatchability.
Unfulfilled expectations (see Peralta, Lee, anyone who has set foot in the Indians bullpen), compounded with the influx
of new Indians who are not quite ready for primetime (see Luna, Marte, anyone other than Choo who bats further than 4th
in the lineup) and you’ve got a team that couldn’t erase the memory of 93 wins any faster if they tried. The season seemed to be on an upswing in Boston
last week with the Indians taking the lead into the 9th inning in each game when the Fausto Carmona Closer Era
made its unfortunate debut. I honestly don’t even know where to start with
this kid. His only saving grace may be that he likely doesn’t understand
what anyone is saying about him, which in this town unfortunately only means that he has a lot in common with Butch Davis. His first week in one of the most important jobs on a baseball team and he promptly
gives away three out of four games. Wait, I take back everything I just said. The guy pitches for Cleveland
– he’s the perfect closer on this team (what was I thinking?).
Carmona’s recent performances
aside, this bullpen is just awful. And not just awful, but expansion-Browns awful. Did we really convince ourselves that Rafael Betancourt was going to be a good set-up
man? I’d comment on some of the other guys we thought would help in the
pen this year, but most have either been cut, traded, retired (see Steve Karsay), or were last seen drunk while hiding in some
bushes. The starters? If I had a
nickel for every time John Sanders said “The big inning has been (insert Indians starting pitcher name here)’s
biggest issue all year”, I might be able to buy this team back from Larry Dolan and do us all a huge favor. But
I unfortunately don't.
Other random thoughts as
we move into the final, meaningless two months of this wahoo-wonderful Indians season:
- If new acquisition Shin-Soo Choo keeps producing, I expect a Pronkville-esque effort on the part of the
Indians marketing brass to play off his name next year. Every time he comes to
bat or does something positive, I want locomotive noises, special scoreboard graphics, and kids merchandise tie-ins with the
people who make the Thomas the Tank Engine. I mean, if they can whore Grady around
like a Chippendale, there’s no reason we can’t expect a Lionel Trains Bobblehead Doll Night next season (on a
related note, I would strongly encourage him to shorten his name to an Ichiro-like ‘Choo’….the chicks would
dig it).
- I think we’ve all seen enough of Jason Michaels this year, haven’t we? Despite his efforts to re-popularize the half-mullet (if you’re from Parma, just ignore this last sentence), not only has Michaels not made us forget the over-achieving
Coco Crisp, he hasn’t even made us forget Jason Dubois. I know Shapiro’s
‘Dear Santa’ list has grown longer by the week this season, but hopefully ‘new LF’ is still near the
top.
- If your entire Triple-A roster is already on your major-league roster by August 1st, what do
you do for September call-ups? Just asking (guess we'll find out in a few weeks).
- C.C. Sabathia’s hair has grown so raggedy that when he takes his hat off in the dugout, he kind
of looks like a homeless man. I’m not sure what this means, but I’m
thinking it can’t be good for his prospects of ever becoming a dominant #1 starter.
- Frightening thought to ponder: "Ladies and gentlemen, your 2007 starting second baseman....Joe Inglett!"
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