Satire

By: CRS Staff

June 8th, 2006

Paramount Pictures has announced that they have selected former Indians relief pitcher Jason Grimsley for the lead role in a new movie, currently in development, which Hollywood insiders have dubbed the 'Forrest Gump baseball flick'.  Similar to the academy award-winning original, the script will follow an unassuming baseball player who finds his way into worldly situations that seem beyond his true level of importance to mankind.  Grimsley, who has not acted since an appearance as an extra in the 1977 Cleveland (Texas) Middle School Christmas Play, was recently outed publicly for his use of Human Growth Hormone (HGH), a performance-enhancing substance that is not currently tested by MLB.  The story quickly became national news as he is rumored to have implicated a number of current and former ballplayers.  Grimsley had previously been best known for his 1994 ceiling crawl through Comiskey Park in Chicago to retrieve an Albert Belle corked bat, an incident that created headlines when he finally admitted to it five years later in '99.

"After pitching for seven teams over a nearly meaningless 16 year career, I'm looking forward to beginning a new chapter in my life," said Grimsley, "I mean, I have a career ERA of nearly five, and I've given up more hits than innings pitched.  Why is anyone even talking to me right now?"  Grimsley went on to explain that he has no idea why he has made national headlines every five years or so in a career that otherwise could generously be described as 'mediocre'. 

Paramount executives were ecstatic about signing Grimsley to appear in the movie, which has yet to be officially named.  Rumors are circulating that he beat out Hollywood A-lister Matt Damon for the role, and that former Hole lead singer Courtney Love will play the main character's romantic interest, reprising Robin Wright's 'Jenny' from the first movie.  "In addition to the corked bat caper and now the HGH thing, people don't realize this guy was also once traded by the Phillies straight up to the Astros for Curt Shilling", said one Paramount executive on condition of anonymity.  "Yes, Curt Shilling!  We even looked it up to be sure.  Anyways, he may become the most obscure baseball player to ever end up as the answer to three different trivia questions."

Shooting will begin in August, with an expected release date of October, 2007, just in time for the MLB playoffs.  When asked by reporters outside his office what he would do next year during the movie's opening weekend, MLB commissioner Bud Selig responded by saying he would continue to keep his head firmly tucked into his rear-end, just like he does during news reports of the other baseball scandals.