MBNA Announces New Assignment For Former Browns Executive John Collins
Satire
By CRS Staff
In a statement released today by MBNA, Cleveland
Browns owner and MBNA Chief Executive Randy Lerner announced that former Browns President John Collins will assume the duties
of Sanitation Director, effective immediately. A former up-and-comer in NFL circles, Collins' new responsibilities
will be to oversee all 173 sanitation employees who clean MBNA's New York City offices. The position will be based in
Manhattan, where Collins has a home.
"While I enjoyed being President of an NFL
franchise, this new position allows me the unique opportunity to broaden my considerable talents", said a still-boastful Collins,
known for his ego as much as for his expensive suits around Browns headquarters. "Plus, having overseen the Browns third
rebuilding effort in seven years, I know a thing or two about getting rid of unwanted trash".
The company expects the move to signal a
change in sanitation direction for MBNA, as the company's existing sanitation contracts will expire at the end of
2006. Collins' deep understanding of contract negotiations could play a key role in saving the organization as much
as $.03 per roll of toilet paper used in the company's offices. However, insiders foresee a future power struggle between
Collins and Harry Costanzwyck, a 35 year-old up-and-coming Sanitation Supervisor who was recently highlighted in
trade publication Sanitation Weekly's '40 Under 40' issue. It is widely believed Costanzwyck was in line
for the Director position before Lerner realized he had to find an executive position for Collins to justify paying his
large salary. Costanzwyck, known to wear a trademark baseball cap with his blue, toxin-repelling sanitation uniform,
will report directly to Collins.
Reaction around MBNA headquarters was mixed,
with most employees refusing to comment on the record. Those who did expressed concern that Collins, widely blamed
for the Janet Jackson exposed-breast mishap at the Super Bowl several years ago, will bring his gimmicky promotional
ideas to the MBNA Sanitation Department. Said one staffer, "I've seen the people that work in the Sanitation Department
here and trust me, the last thing we want is one of them exposing a nipple on the job".
