NBA Bumps New
Jersey And Awards 8th Playoff Seed To LeBron
20 year-old
swingman becomes first individual NBA player to earn a playoff spot
Satire
By CRS Staff
April 20th, 2005
In an unprecedented move, the commissioner's office has announced the NBA
will award its 8th and final Eastern Conference playoff spot to Cavs superstar LeBron James. In a one-page statement
released from New York, the league quickly added that his Cleveland teammates will not be included. "By becoming a
legitimate MVP candidate in the NBA after only two years, I felt LeBron deserved a playoff spot more than New Jersey",
said Commissioner David Stern in the statement. He added, "This league hasn't been about team play since well before
Michael Jordan, so we might as well just give the fans what they want." In a press conference held later in the afternoon,
he further explained that neither New Jersey or the rest of the Cavaliers could draw the same TV ratings as LeBron
by himself, and that Cleveland fans should feel prideful that LeBron had been invited despite the Cavs lack of a quality
supporting cast.
Under terms of the arrangement, LeBron will play a first round, seven-game
series against the #1 seed, Miami Heat. He will represent only himself (and Nike, if he so chooses), and will be allowed
to select up to seven random people in the stands to play with him for each game. He can choose anyone, so long as it
is not one of his Cavaliers teammates. He will be coached by Phil Jackson, who the league felt was most qualified
to lead a team in which no strategy or game plan would really be necessary. In the event of a tie at the end of regulation
for any game in the series, normal OT rules will be scrapped, and a game of HORSE between LeBron and Shaq will decide the
outcome.
The news was met with great enthusiasm by fans surveyed in an NBA fan poll,
which curiously only included those in the greater New York City area. "I can't wait to see LeBron face Shaq by
himself!", screamed Joey Cannavino of Brooklyn, wearing a Knicks jersey with LeBron's name and jersey number. "I'm
so glad the Cavs didn't make it as a team. I mean, besides Bron they've only got that one dorky white dude from
like Russia or something - Ilgau...er...whatever, I can't even remember his name." Added another fan, "Yeah, LeBron
should just play by himself until he signs with my Knicks in a few years. When can he leave Cleveland? 2007?
They should just trade him to us now for like a second round pick or something."
