Top 10 Punishment Ideas For Kellen Winslow II 

By CRS Staff

Although no official word has come from either the Cleveland Browns or the Kellen Winslow camp, the news that Winslow has suffered a season-ending ACL tear to his knee is about the worst-kept secret in Berea since Art announced he was moving his team to Baltimore.  We can only assume (hope?) that the new Browns braintrust is giving serious thought to what to do about Winslow, who contractually was obligated to stay away from reckless activities such as riding a motorycle.  With that in mind, below are our top 10 recommendations to Phil Savage and Romeo Crennel on how to properly discipline The Chosen One:

10) For the rest of the season, he must ride back and forth from the weight room to the locker room on a girl's Strawberry Shortcake tricycle (no endos allowed).

9) Since he thinks he's a soldier anyway, force him to do things like scrub the locker room bathroom with a toothbrush, polish the brass in the executive offices, and make him salute all Browns employees as they walk past him.

8) When he appears in public with other members of the Browns, his teammates must wear a "I'm With Stupid" t-shirt at all times.

7) One hour prior to kickoff at every 2005 Browns home game, put him on a stationary bike at the 50-yard line, and force him to pedal as fast he can while scorebard signs encourage the crowd to chant "Wheel-ie!  Wheel-ie!"

6) Make him give jersey number '80' back to Aaron Shea, while Shea gets to take another vacation on Winslow's dime.

5) Require him to watch hours and hours of the parking lot surveillance footage, which will be looped continuously, interspersed with highlights of other Browns TE's making important catches while he is injured.

4) Force him to wear an electric fence collar, which will automatically shock him every time he even attempts to refer to himself in the third person (he will receive a triple shock if referring to self as 'The Chosen One').

3) Take money recouped from his signing bonus, use it to offer free beer lubricant in December to any fans sitting in seats close enough to the sideline to hit Winslow with battery-packed snowballs.

2) Make him sing the national anthem at Cleveland Browns Stadium before the Browns 2005 home opener, but don't give him notice until 5 minutes before so he has no time to actually prepare.

1) Send him to an Army boot camp, and then on to Iraq with the real soldiers.  When he wets his pants on the plane ride over, offer to turn around if he agrees to play for the league minimum.

CRS Exclusive: Browns Letter To Kellen Winslow II Satire By CRS Staff   As reported in numerous media circles, with minicamp underway and the news of Kellen Winslow's season-ending knee injury becoming official, the Browns have prepared a letter to send to the junior HOF'er advising him of their intention to recoup some of his salary.  In a CRS exclusive, we have obtained an advance copy of the letter, which is printed below in its entirety.   **************** Cleveland Browns HQ's 76 Lou Groza Blvd. Berea, OH 44017   June 13th, 2005   Dear Pfc. Winslow,   It has recently come to our attention that you may have been involved in a situation pertaining to a series of dangerous stunts with a motorcycle, the end result of which was an accident that has put your 2005 NFL season, and maybe your career, in jeopardy.  As a member of the Cleveland Browns family, it saddens us to see one of our own make such a poor decision.  While we cannot control what you do away from our facility, our hope is that most of our top draft choices will choose to spend their seven-figure signing bonus and offseason free time on things like building a new dream house, securing the debts of family members, or possibly even setting up charitable foundations with which to give back to the community.  Now Kellen, we understand that you were born into money, have no interest in representing the community, and that you probably have better things to do than rehab some stupid injury from your rookie season that left you 5 TD catches behind former waiver wire pickup Steve Heiden last year (by the way, in case your shifty agents have caught wind of this letter and have advised you to deny all allegations, do you remember seeing those little cameras attached to the parking lot lights where this happened?  Those little things are what the police department likes to call 'proof beyond a reasonable doubt'.  We'll talk more about your agents in just a bit.).    Speaking of your signing bonus, that's actually the reason we're writing this letter.  Do you remember that contract you signed last year?  Yeah, we didn't think so.  Well, guess what - we do!  Now, back to those shifty agents of yours we mentioned (by the way, did they get our Christmas card?  Please send our warm regards).  While the Poston brothers were out gloating to the national media about the hose job they pulled on us NFL neophytes in the Browns front office, we were busy at work putting a little clause in your new contract stipulating that we could recoup a lot of our money if you did something stupid off the field.  You see, we suspected your U. of Miami education was worth about as much as Ray Lewis' testimony on a witness stand, and had a hunch you really were as dumb as you looked during your little 'Soldier' rant.  And while we may have been wrong about Butch Davis being worth a contract extension before last season, we apparently were right about you.  Hey, one out of two ain't bad.  Come to think of it, a .500 record is better than our own team most years!  LOL!   Now, I know what you're thinking.  Just as your Dad pointed out to those idiots in the press the other day, you ARE just a 21 year-old kid, and 21-year olds make silly mistakes.  Many of us even have kids of our own that are your age, so we know that this can be true. Of course, most kids your age are actually making about $25K per year trying to start their careers and make an honest living.  We'd even venture to guess the vast majority of those kids probably wouldn't ride a motorycle if they had an employment clause specifically stating they weren't allowed to.  But hey, you're Kellen Winslow and they're not, so you should be able to make excuses all you want!    So anyway, back to that whole money thing.  Remember that big check we wrote you last year?  Yep, we're gonna need some of that back.  The signing bonus payment we made a few months ago?  Yeah, we're gonna need you to return that check to us too.  Your salary for 2005?  If you guessed that we'll need that back too, there might be hope for you yet!  Don't worry Kellen, you could've been the highest paid TE in league history, but if you come back strong next year, you may still have a chance to be the highest paid TE on our team (and if you really get crazy, you might even prove yourself to be better than one of the other three guys we have, who made less combined money than you did last year).   Since we know you aren't real big on those voluntary off-season workout things and all, we're assuming you may not know where to find us.  As such, we've included our address above for your reference.  You can just make out the check to R-A-N-D-Y L-E-R-N-E-R, and drop it in the mail.  Wait, better yet, we'll just send a courier to your house to pick it up.  Don't panic if they show up in your driveway on a motorcycle, as unlike you they've actually had training on how to ride.   Looking forward to seeing you soon!   Warm Regards,   Randy Lerner Cleveland Browns

No, I Really Mean It

After news leaked that his motorycle injuries would apparently cost him the season, Kellen Winslow II finally issues an apology that sounded about as sincere as Butch Davis insisting Tim Couch was his QB for the future a few years ago.  I guess hoping his daddy would ground him and take all his dangerous toys away was too much to ask for still-angry Browns fans.